Thoughts on growing up homeschooled, among other things

I was thinking a lot recently about my childhood and growing up home schooled. I recently gave a presentation where I mentioned I was homeschooled, and another girl came up to me after and said she enjoyed hearing about my life as she was homeschooled too.

I've been reading a lot of blogs lately where women are sharing their story, how they grew up, and their journey through faith. What has caught my eye are the stories of women who grew up in very strict fundamentalist upbringings. I am immediately interested in the story of how they broke free from that background and have found God in new ways. I've been meaning to read more books on that, such as Addie Zierman's When We Were On Fire and Elizabeth Esther's  Girl at the End of the World. I would like to compare their stories with my own.

I had a good childhood. My parents were loving but firm. I never felt that they didn't love me. I did feel sometimes that they wouldn't love me if I ever did something really bad. Our household was definitely oriented around achieving and striving to do our best. This wasn't a bad thing but I grew up thinking my worth was based on how I did. I remember feeling really guilty for lots of things. Not all the time, but every so often.

And back to home schooling. I was a fairly sheltered child. We weren't allowed to watch television, our tv time was picking out a half hour movie from our fairly large stack of VHS's. I rarely went to the theatre, and the only music I listened to was Christian radio. I didn't even know what what swear words were until I was 13 and wrote a paper on media influence. Most of my friends were other homeschoolers, you know, the sweet, good natured kind. I had a number of friends who were louder, more extroverted, and would say wilder things, but in general, my closest friends were the shy, sweet-natured girls.

My main form of socialization was through Bible Quizzing. From ages 14-18, I memorized several books of the Bible and would proudly recite verse off the top of my head. We got to compete against other churches in the area, and I even made it to Internationals in my last year of quizzing. I flew down to Pennsylvania and quizzed against other teams from churches all around Canada and North America.

Because my parents wanted to give me a solid Christian education, they decided to enroll me in an American liberal arts university. And here's the kicker: I stayed at home and took online courses from Canada. So basically, school at home continued until I was 20. Pretty crazy, right? I did take a couple local university colleges, learning different languages, but my main schooling was all online at home.

Then a couple years ago, my family moved across the country to and I started attending a small, Christian liberal arts university. I moved into residence just a couple months after the move. And boy, was it a change from my homeschool friends and life. I was all of a sudden immersed in this new culture of people who were Christians, but acted completely different than the ones I was familiar with. Girls were a bit louder and crazier and *gasp* would even talk about how hot other guys were! It was a strange world to be in, and often I felt like I didn't belong.

But after three years at that university, I became used to the culture. Although I still felt like a fish out of water sometimes, I am much more familiar with environment. And I changed too. I started thinking about things I'd never considered in my homeschool world. Things such as feminism and acceptance, tolerance, etc. I remember when it shocked me the first time I heard a girl say, "I used to believe in creationism, but after taking philosophy, I don't believe in it anymore." Now I don't blink an eye. I am much more open to hearing other people's views and not trying to force others to believe exactly the way I do. My views on dating, purity, and love have shifted. I'm still figuring out where I stand on certain issues. But all in all, I am glad I moved. I am glad to have experienced this new culture of people. I'm glad that I didn't stay the same and that my eyes have been opened in new ways. I'm glad I didn't stay at home.

And I'm back!!

It sure has been a while, hasn't it! I'm about to graduate in April and am finishing my last four courses of my degree. It's been a crazy ride, and about to get even crazier, but if I can hold on till then, it'll be worth it.

Today in my seminar class, the prof was talking about discernment and what it specifically involves. He encouraged us to examine the voices speak into our lives and make sure that we surround ourselves with friends aren't all "yes people" but who will challenge us, bring a holistic view, a 360 degree understanding of the situation. And of course, stay connected to God, in whatever way that looks for us. It was fascinating discussing a topic that was quite interesting to me. Recently I had a friend speak into my life in ways that I found uncomfortable and really wrestled with. But after thinking over what she had to say and talking with others, I realized the grains of truth in what she was saying. I haven't had a lot of friends who challenge me, so this is new for me. I hope that as I continue on after graduation that I will gather friends who won't be afraid to be honest in what they think, as well as provide support and encouragement.

Some more ramble...

This weekend was rather emotional, so to process my feelings about it, I'm blogging. Here we go. This weekend, I was hoping I'd get some studying done for my midterms this coming week. I knew that I probably wouldn't get much done. Still, that was my goal. Saturday I worked all day, and then came home, spent around half an hour working on an assignment that's due Tuesday. So far, so good. Then Sunday, I went to church and had a great time worshiping, but all during the sermon, I was nervous, thinking about the work I had to do. Once I returned home from church and had lunch, it was around 2 o'clock. I had to leave at 5 for a family dinner. Great, that's three hours! I spent the first hour randomly surfing the Internet because I was so nervous. I spent the next hour surfing the web and looking at the text I needed to study, but not studying it. And the last hour, I spent watching random vids and then trying to sit down and really study, but by that time I was too worked up to concentrate. I did finish a tad bit more of that assignment however.

The dinner went okay, but after I overheard my mom say something that really upset me. I felt so hurt about it that once I got back home, I couldn't think straight and couldn't study. I eventually calmed down and got some other miscellaneous work done. And that leads us to now. I still need to finish that assignment for tomorrow. And I still have a full day of work ahead of me. But writing everything down has helped me pinpoint where I started off wrong.
- First, I ignored the knowledge I knew before this whole weekend started--that I'd probably get little done. I was expecting myself to simply work amidst all my stress and worrying. Maybe if I'd intentionally given myself an hour to relax instead of an hour to put things off, I might have been in a better mindspace and been able to focus. But it really comes down to expectations I put for myself and whether or not they're realistic for me.
- Second, once I got into the mindset of feeling helpless and inferior, it was so hard to get out of. Now I'm not sure how to cope with this, aside from distracting myself. I guess I need to let myself breathe and release myself from those unrealistic expectations. This is a constant struggle for me.

I know I'm don't have superb emotional regulation skills, but I'm hoping to learn by talking about what I did wrong, what I could've done, and what I want to do in the future.

A little ramble about music...

So I've had some thoughts rattling around in my head for the past week and thought I'd share them. There are some secular (as in they don't mention God) songs that I've found incredibly emotionally moving recently. Songs that are incredibly relevant to my life. One song in particular I've heard a lot of people say that this song has gotten them through so many tough times. And I was thinking, that’s like God speaking though music, reassuring people of His love, though they don't yet know that. See, it’s all a matter of perspective.

Since I know that it's God speaking through these songs, I can go to the source and directly thank God for speaking to me. When people don't realize this, they can false attribute the song or the songwriter only for getting them through depression.

As I look through my Top 25 most played songs on iTunes, half of them are Christian. The ones that really fulfill me are the Christian songs, because they point towards God. Now I totally belive God can use secular songs to teach us things about him. But there is something about songs that quote the source of our strength and point directly to God that pulls me through much better than songs only talking about earthly love.

In the end, I’m thankful to God for speaking through all songs—secular or Christian. I'm so grateful that he inspires musicians to write His truth.

So, any thoughts or reactions? I'd love to hear what your thoughts are on this!

Putting God In A Box?

So my university had an awesome meeting centered around this thought: Do we put God in a box? Seriously, we often limit what we think God can do based on our preconceptions of who he is. This is the God who shut lions' mouths, raised people from the dead, and spoke to storms. We read about all these stories in the Bible, and we think God can't work that way now.

I left the meeting feeling challenged. In my life, I want God to suprise me and shock me. I don't want to limit what he can do. I want to be able to expect miracles to happen. The meeting ended with a couple of the leaders speaking words of encouragement over specific people. That night, I prayed to God and asked him to give me words of encouragement for the people around me. And he did. He told me, "Love them unconditionally. Reaffirm their worth in me." It's intimidating for me to actually speak words God has given me to people. So right now, I'm trying to do that through my actions. I pray God will give courage to speak those words aloud.

Another letter to God...

"In the quiet, in the stillness of your presence, I am restored...There is none but Jesus." - Hillsong, None But Jesus

It had been a while since my last devotion. So I really wanted to spend time with the Lord. I ended up writing a letter in my journal to Him. Here's the end result:

Jesus, you are my sole focus, my one desire. There is no one else for me. I want to know you deeply. Let my life be a song of praise to you. I want to do your will more than anything. You give me so much hope, Lord. You show me what it means to have joy. You show me your compassion, your grace, and your unending love. Let my life be a reflection of you.
I love you so much. Thank you for showing me what it means to be your child. I feel like a little child, dancing and jumping about. Peering over the edge with you is where I want to be (Amanda Falk, Symphony). Lord, you are so faithful. You've provided me with friends this past year. You gave me wonderful opportunities to be a friend to others. And you are continually giving me opportunities that challenge, cause me to face my fear, and step out in faith.
Life with you is never boring. In spite of my fears, worries, and insecurities, you are constantly giving me reason to hope and be optimistic for the future. Never mind the times when I've felt let down or alone, you are always there. Your goodness overwhelms me. It captivates me. I may not know where I'm going but you do! I know that if I trust in You, You will never let me down!

Wordle.

I was just playing around on wordle.net and came up with this. It's based on how the Lord sees us.