Some more ramble...

This weekend was rather emotional, so to process my feelings about it, I'm blogging. Here we go. This weekend, I was hoping I'd get some studying done for my midterms this coming week. I knew that I probably wouldn't get much done. Still, that was my goal. Saturday I worked all day, and then came home, spent around half an hour working on an assignment that's due Tuesday. So far, so good. Then Sunday, I went to church and had a great time worshiping, but all during the sermon, I was nervous, thinking about the work I had to do. Once I returned home from church and had lunch, it was around 2 o'clock. I had to leave at 5 for a family dinner. Great, that's three hours! I spent the first hour randomly surfing the Internet because I was so nervous. I spent the next hour surfing the web and looking at the text I needed to study, but not studying it. And the last hour, I spent watching random vids and then trying to sit down and really study, but by that time I was too worked up to concentrate. I did finish a tad bit more of that assignment however.

The dinner went okay, but after I overheard my mom say something that really upset me. I felt so hurt about it that once I got back home, I couldn't think straight and couldn't study. I eventually calmed down and got some other miscellaneous work done. And that leads us to now. I still need to finish that assignment for tomorrow. And I still have a full day of work ahead of me. But writing everything down has helped me pinpoint where I started off wrong.
- First, I ignored the knowledge I knew before this whole weekend started--that I'd probably get little done. I was expecting myself to simply work amidst all my stress and worrying. Maybe if I'd intentionally given myself an hour to relax instead of an hour to put things off, I might have been in a better mindspace and been able to focus. But it really comes down to expectations I put for myself and whether or not they're realistic for me.
- Second, once I got into the mindset of feeling helpless and inferior, it was so hard to get out of. Now I'm not sure how to cope with this, aside from distracting myself. I guess I need to let myself breathe and release myself from those unrealistic expectations. This is a constant struggle for me.

I know I'm don't have superb emotional regulation skills, but I'm hoping to learn by talking about what I did wrong, what I could've done, and what I want to do in the future.