I've moved!

I've decided to change domains, so I'm now at Hear the Symphony! See you there!

5 Things I Need to Remind Myself

While I feel I am slowly growing my confident in various areas of my life, there are still days where I feel insecure, awkward, uncomfortable, and hesitant. Thus, here are some things I need to tell myself on those days

1. The future isn't as bad as you're making it out to be
While the future may not resemble the rosy, pastel, Disney-like fairytale I'd like, neither is it the gloomy, ever-rainy, sad future I fear. There will be both ups and downs in my future, and I need to acknowledge both instead of concentrating on just the bad.


2. Take time to get out of your head for a while
When I'm in one of those moods, it is so easy for me drum up fear after fear of what might happen. Or fears of what other might think. Or... of anything, really. When that happens, I need to acknowledge those fears, but not allow them to grown and start obsessing over them. Doing something active, like going for a walk, bike ride, dancing in my living room, or even going for a drive and singing along to a favorite soundtrack are all good methods for releasing some of that pent up energy that is currently all focused on scaring myself.

3. Break Tasks up into smaller pieces, then tackle one item at a time
If I am feeling overwhelmed about a pile of work that needs to be done, it always helps to break each task into easier steps. Tackle the easier ones first, like those emails that need to be sent. Like decluttering (a whole other blog post entirely), if I can accomplish something small and easy first, this cheers me up and helps get the job done step by step

4. Remember to practice self care
In those stressful times, I need to remember to take care of myself, whether it be physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. Things like getting enough sunglight, eating healhy will help physically. Listening and meditating on worship helps spiritually. Practicing mindfulness and being aware of all five senses can help mentally and emotionally. Sharing with others and letting them know how I am doing. Praying for and with others. Tending for all these different aspects will help me feel better as a whole

5. This, too, shall pass
As hard as things feel, reminding myself that these periods will pass can be encouraging. Sometimes there is no perfect way to make myself feel better and there's nothing I can do except hang on to my faith that God is in control. Grit my teeth and remind myself I will get through this. I am going to be okay.

I hope you find these helpful. I know I need to remind myself of this constantly!

July Goals!

How's it going? It's been over a year since I've blogged here, but I wanted to get back on track. Blogging is one of the ways I enjoy expressing myself and my thoughts and feelings, and I do want to continue this in the future.

So how have things been? Currently jetlag has been kicking my butt as I've just returned from a family trip to Asia visiting family. While I haven't enjoyed the erratic sleep patterns that have followed, the trip was certainly worth it.

I've decided to write down some goals I have for July on here, in order to hold myself accountable. There are so many ideas and things I say I always want to do but I never follow through! So with that in mind, here are my goals for July:

1. Take time to be outside 2-3 times a week
During our vacation, we were constantly out, walking to the bus or subway stations, or even to the local supermarket. While I love staying in, I do want to get out of the house more often, maybe even do some biking now that it's warm.

2. Blog once a week
Pretty straightforward!

3. Clean my room
I'm really bad at keeping my room neat and tidy, so I really need to clean up/declutter! Currently I have clothes I haven't worn in several years that need to be thrown out, so time for rehaul!

4. Play the piano 
Music is always one of the ways that relaxes me, but piano practice was always more of a methodical process. I want to either perfect a piece on the piano this month or perhaps write my own, combining that creative/logical side.

Thoughts on growing up homeschooled, among other things

I was thinking a lot recently about my childhood and growing up home schooled. I recently gave a presentation where I mentioned I was homeschooled, and another girl came up to me after and said she enjoyed hearing about my life as she was homeschooled too.

I've been reading a lot of blogs lately where women are sharing their story, how they grew up, and their journey through faith. What has caught my eye are the stories of women who grew up in very strict fundamentalist upbringings. I am immediately interested in the story of how they broke free from that background and have found God in new ways. I've been meaning to read more books on that, such as Addie Zierman's When We Were On Fire and Elizabeth Esther's  Girl at the End of the World. I would like to compare their stories with my own.

I had a good childhood. My parents were loving but firm. I never felt that they didn't love me. I did feel sometimes that they wouldn't love me if I ever did something really bad. Our household was definitely oriented around achieving and striving to do our best. This wasn't a bad thing but I grew up thinking my worth was based on how I did. I remember feeling really guilty for lots of things. Not all the time, but every so often.

And back to home schooling. I was a fairly sheltered child. We weren't allowed to watch television, our tv time was picking out a half hour movie from our fairly large stack of VHS's. I rarely went to the theatre, and the only music I listened to was Christian radio. I didn't even know what what swear words were until I was 13 and wrote a paper on media influence. Most of my friends were other homeschoolers, you know, the sweet, good natured kind. I had a number of friends who were louder, more extroverted, and would say wilder things, but in general, my closest friends were the shy, sweet-natured girls.

My main form of socialization was through Bible Quizzing. From ages 14-18, I memorized several books of the Bible and would proudly recite verse off the top of my head. We got to compete against other churches in the area, and I even made it to Internationals in my last year of quizzing. I flew down to Pennsylvania and quizzed against other teams from churches all around Canada and North America.

Because my parents wanted to give me a solid Christian education, they decided to enroll me in an American liberal arts university. And here's the kicker: I stayed at home and took online courses from Canada. So basically, school at home continued until I was 20. Pretty crazy, right? I did take a couple local university colleges, learning different languages, but my main schooling was all online at home.

Then a couple years ago, my family moved across the country to and I started attending a small, Christian liberal arts university. I moved into residence just a couple months after the move. And boy, was it a change from my homeschool friends and life. I was all of a sudden immersed in this new culture of people who were Christians, but acted completely different than the ones I was familiar with. Girls were a bit louder and crazier and *gasp* would even talk about how hot other guys were! It was a strange world to be in, and often I felt like I didn't belong.

But after three years at that university, I became used to the culture. Although I still felt like a fish out of water sometimes, I am much more familiar with environment. And I changed too. I started thinking about things I'd never considered in my homeschool world. Things such as feminism and acceptance, tolerance, etc. I remember when it shocked me the first time I heard a girl say, "I used to believe in creationism, but after taking philosophy, I don't believe in it anymore." Now I don't blink an eye. I am much more open to hearing other people's views and not trying to force others to believe exactly the way I do. My views on dating, purity, and love have shifted. I'm still figuring out where I stand on certain issues. But all in all, I am glad I moved. I am glad to have experienced this new culture of people. I'm glad that I didn't stay the same and that my eyes have been opened in new ways. I'm glad I didn't stay at home.

And I'm back!!

It sure has been a while, hasn't it! I'm about to graduate in April and am finishing my last four courses of my degree. It's been a crazy ride, and about to get even crazier, but if I can hold on till then, it'll be worth it.

Today in my seminar class, the prof was talking about discernment and what it specifically involves. He encouraged us to examine the voices speak into our lives and make sure that we surround ourselves with friends aren't all "yes people" but who will challenge us, bring a holistic view, a 360 degree understanding of the situation. And of course, stay connected to God, in whatever way that looks for us. It was fascinating discussing a topic that was quite interesting to me. Recently I had a friend speak into my life in ways that I found uncomfortable and really wrestled with. But after thinking over what she had to say and talking with others, I realized the grains of truth in what she was saying. I haven't had a lot of friends who challenge me, so this is new for me. I hope that as I continue on after graduation that I will gather friends who won't be afraid to be honest in what they think, as well as provide support and encouragement.

Some more ramble...

This weekend was rather emotional, so to process my feelings about it, I'm blogging. Here we go. This weekend, I was hoping I'd get some studying done for my midterms this coming week. I knew that I probably wouldn't get much done. Still, that was my goal. Saturday I worked all day, and then came home, spent around half an hour working on an assignment that's due Tuesday. So far, so good. Then Sunday, I went to church and had a great time worshiping, but all during the sermon, I was nervous, thinking about the work I had to do. Once I returned home from church and had lunch, it was around 2 o'clock. I had to leave at 5 for a family dinner. Great, that's three hours! I spent the first hour randomly surfing the Internet because I was so nervous. I spent the next hour surfing the web and looking at the text I needed to study, but not studying it. And the last hour, I spent watching random vids and then trying to sit down and really study, but by that time I was too worked up to concentrate. I did finish a tad bit more of that assignment however.

The dinner went okay, but after I overheard my mom say something that really upset me. I felt so hurt about it that once I got back home, I couldn't think straight and couldn't study. I eventually calmed down and got some other miscellaneous work done. And that leads us to now. I still need to finish that assignment for tomorrow. And I still have a full day of work ahead of me. But writing everything down has helped me pinpoint where I started off wrong.
- First, I ignored the knowledge I knew before this whole weekend started--that I'd probably get little done. I was expecting myself to simply work amidst all my stress and worrying. Maybe if I'd intentionally given myself an hour to relax instead of an hour to put things off, I might have been in a better mindspace and been able to focus. But it really comes down to expectations I put for myself and whether or not they're realistic for me.
- Second, once I got into the mindset of feeling helpless and inferior, it was so hard to get out of. Now I'm not sure how to cope with this, aside from distracting myself. I guess I need to let myself breathe and release myself from those unrealistic expectations. This is a constant struggle for me.

I know I'm don't have superb emotional regulation skills, but I'm hoping to learn by talking about what I did wrong, what I could've done, and what I want to do in the future.

A little ramble about music...

So I've had some thoughts rattling around in my head for the past week and thought I'd share them. There are some secular (as in they don't mention God) songs that I've found incredibly emotionally moving recently. Songs that are incredibly relevant to my life. One song in particular I've heard a lot of people say that this song has gotten them through so many tough times. And I was thinking, that’s like God speaking though music, reassuring people of His love, though they don't yet know that. See, it’s all a matter of perspective.

Since I know that it's God speaking through these songs, I can go to the source and directly thank God for speaking to me. When people don't realize this, they can false attribute the song or the songwriter only for getting them through depression.

As I look through my Top 25 most played songs on iTunes, half of them are Christian. The ones that really fulfill me are the Christian songs, because they point towards God. Now I totally belive God can use secular songs to teach us things about him. But there is something about songs that quote the source of our strength and point directly to God that pulls me through much better than songs only talking about earthly love.

In the end, I’m thankful to God for speaking through all songs—secular or Christian. I'm so grateful that he inspires musicians to write His truth.

So, any thoughts or reactions? I'd love to hear what your thoughts are on this!

Putting God In A Box?

So my university had an awesome meeting centered around this thought: Do we put God in a box? Seriously, we often limit what we think God can do based on our preconceptions of who he is. This is the God who shut lions' mouths, raised people from the dead, and spoke to storms. We read about all these stories in the Bible, and we think God can't work that way now.

I left the meeting feeling challenged. In my life, I want God to suprise me and shock me. I don't want to limit what he can do. I want to be able to expect miracles to happen. The meeting ended with a couple of the leaders speaking words of encouragement over specific people. That night, I prayed to God and asked him to give me words of encouragement for the people around me. And he did. He told me, "Love them unconditionally. Reaffirm their worth in me." It's intimidating for me to actually speak words God has given me to people. So right now, I'm trying to do that through my actions. I pray God will give courage to speak those words aloud.

Another letter to God...

"In the quiet, in the stillness of your presence, I am restored...There is none but Jesus." - Hillsong, None But Jesus

It had been a while since my last devotion. So I really wanted to spend time with the Lord. I ended up writing a letter in my journal to Him. Here's the end result:

Jesus, you are my sole focus, my one desire. There is no one else for me. I want to know you deeply. Let my life be a song of praise to you. I want to do your will more than anything. You give me so much hope, Lord. You show me what it means to have joy. You show me your compassion, your grace, and your unending love. Let my life be a reflection of you.
I love you so much. Thank you for showing me what it means to be your child. I feel like a little child, dancing and jumping about. Peering over the edge with you is where I want to be (Amanda Falk, Symphony). Lord, you are so faithful. You've provided me with friends this past year. You gave me wonderful opportunities to be a friend to others. And you are continually giving me opportunities that challenge, cause me to face my fear, and step out in faith.
Life with you is never boring. In spite of my fears, worries, and insecurities, you are constantly giving me reason to hope and be optimistic for the future. Never mind the times when I've felt let down or alone, you are always there. Your goodness overwhelms me. It captivates me. I may not know where I'm going but you do! I know that if I trust in You, You will never let me down!

Wordle.

I was just playing around on wordle.net and came up with this. It's based on how the Lord sees us.

Letter to God

Today I thought I'd write a letter to God. Here it is:

Hello Lord! I just wanted to tell you that You are so awesome! I love you so much! You truly work all things together according to your good purpose! You fill my heart with joy, and I'm so thankful that you love me. Thank you for always being there for me and for never leaving me. Every good and perfect gift is from you.

Give me strength to walk in Your presence every single day, Father. I want to continue to nourish closeness with you. Help me not forget your abiding love and grace. When I'm tired and irritable, let my thoughts draw close to You. Help me treat others the same way you treat me. You are my refuge and strength, Lord. I trust in you whole-heartedly

A page from my journal.

Here's what I wrote in my journal. I thought I'd share it all with you.

"Sometimes there are moments when I doubt myself. I'm unsure of who I am, and I think the worst about myself. But I need to ask myself, "Do you doubt your Creator?" When I question my worth, I question my Creator. In the Psalms, it says, "You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made." This verse speaks to the value we have as human beings. It shows us we are so precious in our Father's sight. No matter what we're feeling, God still adores us and think highly of us.

It's hard sometimes to believe that. I often struggle making the connection between how God sees me and how I see myself. But deep down inside, if I dig deep enough, I eventually come to the realization of my worth in Christ. After all, He sees me as a treasure and a jewel. So why shouldn't I see myself that way?

From now on, I'm not going to be looking back at my life with despair and guilt. I'm going to be looking at myself, claiming that I am a beloved, treasured, valued daughter of God."

Impure thoughts...

So I was contemplating this week about the purity of my thoughts. It's not something I think about much, but I think it is an important topic to discuss. So many times, I've started thinking one thing, and then before I know it, my thoughts drift toward fleshly desires, or sins such as greed, envy, or selfishness. I'm reminded of the passage in the Bible to "take every thought captive" and subdue it to Christ. It is something I need to be on careful guard against. As well, I know that what I watch or listen to affects my thoughts positively or negatively. If I watch a tv show based around materialism, selfishness, or sexual immorality, then that is what I will think about. However, if I am constantly listening to worship music or watching uplifting movies or tv shows, I tend to think impure thoughts less. It's not necessarily the initial thought that's wrong, but the obsession it can lead to if it gets too out of hand.

I wanted to write this today to encourage you to take a stand against a lustful or selfish thoughts and bring them before the Lord! He is able to cleanse and renew us day by day.

Cleansing from dishonor

2 Timothy 2:21-22 states, "Therefore if anyone cleanses himself from the dishonor, he will be a vessel for honor, sanctified and useful for the Master, prepared for every good work. Flee also youthful lusts; but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart."

I was thinking about how amazing God is, and how He is constantly cleansing us from sin if we turn to Him. This past Sunday, my pastor talked about how the Lord will refresh and renew our Spirits and freely give us courage. That is an amazing thought, that we don't need to be afraid in this life because we have the Lord with us. I know I was afraid this past week, afraid of completing all my homework, and afraid of a job interview I had scheduled over the weekend. But God was faithful, and He did give me courage to go in confidently at that interview. And I actually got the job! Now I'm full of thanks to God for his faithfulness and loving care.

Remain in God's Love

"As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you. Now remain in my love."

John 15:9-14 describes the depths of Jesus' love and His desire for us to love others in the same way. But it can be hard to love others like that. When people treat us unfairly or cut us off, we want to retaliate in anger. We need to remember to ask the Lord to give us the strength to show love and grace to others even when we don't want to. A little bit of love goes a long way!

I find that if I haven't spent that time in communion with God and in the Word, I find it difficult to show love to others, especially when I'm feeling moody or irritable. But I always to to stop every now and then throughout the day to reflect on God's love for me. Try it out for yourself. Often a verse will pop into my head that really encourages me. One that I found quite helpful recently was John 14:27, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

Since I'm memorizing the book of John for the Bible quizzing program at my church, I've just been soaking up all these amazing verses in John. I'll probably do several posts throughout the year on different passages in John, so stay tuned!

Our God is "Mighty to Save"

So many of my favorite worship songs come directly out of Scripture. For instance, the song "Mighty to Save" from Hillsongs quotes Zephaniah 3:17 (NIV): "The Lord your God is with you; He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."

As I was meditating those words, I marveled at how true they were. God is mighty to save. All-powerful, all-knowing, it impossible to comprehend His character. But thinking about it sure makes me happy, since the Lord is so powerful, and I can put my trust in Him. This great and mighty God will always stick by my and knows what will happen before it happens. I don't need to be scared because He is with me. My God is mighty to save.

Escaping...

As I was pondering about random things this past week, something rather significant struck me. I realized that much of my time and energy is spent trying to escape the world I live in. Whether it be in a movie, watching YouTube videos, or reading a book, I often invest much of my time in forgetting about life for a while and being swept up in something else.

As I thought about that, I realized that many of us are like me. We long to be somewhere we're not and aren't satisfied with where we are right now. Obviously, there are legitimate reasons why we're unsatisfied with our current position. Maybe we're struggling with our work. Or maybe our life isn't going in the direction we'd planned. Maybe we're simply bored with the in-between, to where we want to be.

Whatever the reason, I've realized how important it is to live in the moment and not spend too much time in fantasy worlds or escape. We need to realize the little wonders around us and relish where we are right now. If we waste much of our time looking towards our "destination," we'll miss out on the journey.

So I end this post wanting to enjoy the journey a little bit more. I want to laugh with my friends and family, savoring every moment, because time passes so quickly. I want to work my best at the job I am currently in.

2010...the start of a new year and decade.

It is finally 2010. A new year and a new decade have come. Ten years ago, everyone was all in a tizzy over the whole "Y2K" problem. And now look at where we are today.

I usually don't make New Year's Resolutions because I don't see the point in them. I'll probably just break them after a month or so, so why bother? But this year, the start of a new decade, I wanted to continue to live out my life to the best of my ability. Not begin a new resolution, mind you, but rather continue in this ongoing journey called life.

In 2 Corinthians 5:17, Paul writes "If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation, the old has gone; the new has come!"

This year, I want to push myself. I don't want settle for second best. That applies to all my activities, whether school, work, or anything else. Whatever I am doing, I want to put my whole heart into it. I want to give freely, love freely, and live freely.